It makes sense now.
About six months ago, big questions regarding my faith came barging into my mind and I couldn’t ignore them every time I went to open my bible or pray or listen to a worship song. Big questions I never really asked before I committed my life to Christ almost three years ago now. Big questions that, when I finally began to sort through them, paralyzed my faith and eliminated any desire to seek any answers - a scary obstacle for a girl who has followed Christ her whole life.
And I was open about these questions. A follower asked how I manage my relationship with God and I held nothing back in saying that I haven’t had much of a relationship with Him this year. School threw more at me at the beginning of this year than I expected, leaving me with little time and energy to spend with God (or so it seemed). The less I opened my bible, the less I closed my eyes to pray, the farther I felt from God, and the more the questions and doubts invaded my thoughts. All were new to me, so I explored them with curiosity.
For a few months, life rolled on as usual. Instead of quiet, intentional mornings and Bible-verse-reminders throughout the day, there were some late-nights downtown and therefore mornings for sleeping in. There were times - lots of them, honestly - when I sought attention from sources that gave only temporary, superficial attention. There were countless self-checks in the mirror searching for physical beauty and always feeling less-than ____ (fill in the blank). There were dates with guys who were fantastic and incredibly sweet and charming, but not seeking the same thing I now am.
And that’s You, God.
Thinking I might be ready to find some answers, I opened '“The Reason for God” by Tim Keller and couldn’t put it down after the first few pages, which turned into a couple hours, an entire Saturday morning, and now it has its own place on my night-stand and I look at it with so much hope and eagerness to pick it back up again and continue learning, seeking, understanding.
Last night, when I reached the point of I-can’t-keep-my-eyes-open-any-longer at around 9 PM (yes, for real), I just lay in bed and sorted through my thoughts regarding all of this. I haven’t been feeling like myself lately and the one thing I do that helps set me back on track is read through old blog posts. Why it took me this to realize, I don’t know, but the trigger of this off-track/not-myself feeling is because I have been missing a HUGE part of me. I’ve been missing my faith - the rock that keeps me grounded in the person I want to be more like. Running down paths chasing towards goals, achievements, paychecks, dates, analytics, and grades threw me off track.
It makes sense now.
My questions still need answers and - let’s be honest - my sins need forgiveness. But I’m ready now to figure this out, to grab a hold of my faith once again and never let it go. I’m ready to start running towards God again, questions about faith in one hand and desire for Him in the other. My faith makes me the person I want to be, but more importantly, it reveals to me the incredible love of the God who doesn’t give up on me, who doesn’t cease His love - the God who welcomes me home with arms open wide.