"Okay, Haley. It's you-time." Those were the first words in my journal this morning, as I curled up on the couch and let my soft blanket and warm cup of coffee be my comforting wake-up hug.
This thing life threw at me a couple months ago is now forcing me to take actions that feel selfish and confusingly terrifying. No one around me can fully grasp all of it because no one around me has been here before. They can all listen with patient, open ears and offer with honest, loving words and both of those forms of care mean so much to me. But, still, this is something only I know because it's happening to me and only I can make the next move based on what feels "right". A move. Some kind of move. Right? Wrong? I don't know what is what and I might not know for whoknowshowlong and IhatethatIhatethatIhatethat, but I can't keep thinking about that, so... moving on.
My mind likes to think. A LOT. It plans and considers and studies and analyzes and imagines and, after a while, all of that feels selfish. By the time I get to where I am now, when I'm ready to make some kind of move, selfish doesn't feel justifiable. Choosing the option that puts me first - whatever that may be in a given situation - feels like taking more cookies than what I'm offered. It can also feel like jumping blindfolded off a cliff because how in the world do I know what the right move is or where any step I take will lead me. What if it really is off a cliff and there's no rope to climb back up (best case scenario)?
I've learned that I can't stop the thinking and planning and considering and studying and analyzing and imagining. I can't shut myself up, but I can change my opinion of and response to my thoughts. I am not selfish for caring for myself. I am not selfish for choosing the option least likely to hurt. I am not selfish for reminiscing on pictures of me smiling and wanting so badly to create those bright smiles on my own ("on demand" if you will).
I AM capable beyond what I ever imagined possible to love someone.
I AM driven towards my own definition of success.
I AM passionate about food and nutrition and mental and physical health, and about traveling and people and relationships and creativity and words.
I AM funny... or nerdy, which just ends up being funny, I guess. It still counts.
I AM beautiful beyond the mirror's definition.
I AM intelligent. I AM strong. I AM powerful.
I know me. I know what hurts, what triggers. I know what heals, what helps.
I have a purpose - many, actually - and I am ready to pursue those and show them off.
I have a massive capacity to love and be loved, and that is rare and beautiful and so am I.
Repeat those phrases to yourself, making changes to fit whatever "thing" you're handling. Remind yourself that it's you-time, that you have a a brain that wants to learn + a soul that wants to smile + a heart that wants to love.
Choosing me isn't always selfish. Choosing me means taking care of myself and taking actions to alleviate pain. Choosing me means finding joy in right now, rather than trying to plan it for the future. Choosing me means loving Haley first.
As challenging as the last month-ish (I should find a new word to use for an estimate rather than "ish") has been, it's taught me:
1. Not all of our wants can be satisfied and a big part of taking care of ourselves is recognizing which can and which can't, being grateful for the ones that can and releasing the ones that can't.
2. You are the most important in your life. You have control over you. You can take care of you. You can say "yes" and you can say "no". You are the most important in your life.
I'm often stuck somewhere between the tippy-toe of now and the very thought of what-could-be at any given time in the future. I'm contemplating productivity and living, laughing, letting go of cares and to-do lists and bedtimes. I'm considering how these actions affect tomorrow's outcomes, the next year's and the next five year's. I'm thinking about what I hope for, what might happen and what might not, and either anticipating or fearing those potentials. I'm thinking about what I need and what I want, and sometimes those don't line up. I'm thinking about loved ones - deeply loved ones - and how much I care for them and want the very best for them. How exhausting does that sound? Constantly looking ahead and reaching out for others leaves little time and energy in the 24 hours each day gives us to be right here, right now and to reach in for ourselves.
Its you-time. Whatever that means for you. It's time to give yourself a break in school and take three classes instead of four because four was just one too many. It's time to jump off that diet-train because all it does it tell you that you that you can't have this and you aren't that and the only way to be maybe someday become "that" for half a second is to restrict everything. It's time to give less time to commitments that aren't serving you like they should. It's time to be honest with yourself and prioritize your own happiness.
I won't tell you that you it's time to "grow up" and "put your big-girl pants on" because I haven't and I don't even think I own a pair of those pants. I want you to just... I don't know how to say it,
To seek you. To choose you. To be you. To love you.