Thoughts: Words I'm Loving Lately

These words are simple, yet significant. Short, yet so powerful.

I’ve been reminding myself of these snippets of encouragement throughout my days to boost my confidence and energy, and to stay connected to who I am and what I want. :)

In fact, self-care above all else is the exact opposite of selfishness. We cannot be our truest, kindest selves if we are not taking care of ourselves. Of course, that means eating well, sleeping well, and exercising. It also means taking time for yourself, regularly tuning into your thoughts and tuning out of the world around you. It means parting from relationships that do not serve you, or worse, that only take from you. The best thing we can be in and for this world is our truest, kindest self, and in order to be that person consistently, we need to take care of ourselves consistently.

This one pretty much piggy-backs right off the previous one. ‘nough said.

Ohhhhh I love this one so much. Don’t let the energy of those around you control how you show up everyday. Bring the energy you want to attract. Think about the energy that inspires you, the qualities you admire, etc. and bring those with you.

One of my 2021 words is “focus”, and this quote reminds me of that. Focusing on our purpose keeps us strong against the comparison trap, and successful in our journey to reaching to reaching our goals.

This one is so much easier said than done, I know. I’ve rolled my eyes at this quote many times, so if you’re doing that right now, I get it.

I woke up one morning last week feeling tired after a couple less-than-great nights of sleep, anxious, stressed (blah blah blah). I saw this quote on Pinterest, took a deep breath, and thought about all the reasons I have to be joyful, and I chose to FOCUS on those. It made all the difference! Again, I know there are some days when “just choose joy” feels stupidly impossible, but it’s worth it. And it can be simple:

• Choose to look on the bright side when a situation doesn’t go as planned.

• Choose to focus on the growth opportunities with obstacles arise.

• Choose to smile at those passing by on your way to work.

• Choose to take a deep breath and respond, rather than quickly react.

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I hope these little words of encouragement have brought some light into your week! They always do for me. :)

Thoughts: Some 2020 Highlights

I’ll skip all the “what a year!” talk because we’ve heard that enough, and we know what a year it’s been. Unexpected, unimaginable, unprecedented, and yet, here we are! Alive (if you’re reading this) and grateful to be here (hopefully). 

With high hopes of exploring Minneapolis once the snow melted, and landing the job I set my heart on, and even finding an unexpected love the minute I stopped looking, I had a great feeling about 2020. 3 months in, I had to adjust my plans drastically, and for a stubborn woman like me, adjustments to unexpected change aren’t always easy. I’ve wrestled with new-to-me feelings of anxiety and depression, and hurtful doubt in the God I had built my life upon. 

All of this weighed so heavily on me that even when things did start to get a little better - Minnesota beginning to open up, finally receiving and accepting the job offer, moving into the city - I still had so little energy and passion for this space in me that, in order to take care of myself, I needed to step back and give that process all I had. I’m still doing that and it’s tough sometimes, but I’m here, I’m alive, and I’m so so grateful for all that I still have - a stable job, an apartment that I can call my home, and a cozy handful of healthy and supportive loved ones around me that I can see on a regular basis (from a distance and masked, that is). 

With that, I wanted to share some happiness from the last few months while I was gone. Here comes a photo and memory dump. Enjoy, my friends. ❤️

I moved into my very own first apartment! Check out the mini tour here, and come back next week for a much-needed updated tour with all the new furnishings, including a TV and bar/coffee cart. I’m living in Loring Park, with a gorgeous view of downtown Minneapolis, a couple of great neighbors, and my favorite brewery just around the corner. Yes, Minneapolis is very different right now, but I’m still very happy here.

But wait - before the apartment came the job! You can read more about that here. I work for a corporate wellness network called LifeStart, which is based in Chicago, and I work on-site at Fifth Street Towers in downtown Minneapolis as the Community Manager. Here, I’m in charge of planning events and boosting tenant engagement with and within the building. I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity to work on a team surrounded by inspiring, encouraging, and like-minded individuals who provide me opportunities to learn and grow every single day. Jenna, to my left, manages our fitness center and has been working in this building for almost four years now. Our tenants know and love her so so much, and I’m grateful to work by her side!

Because I worked in an office from June through November, I meal-prepped A LOT. Like, every week, and sometimes more than that. My go-lunch is this: roasted veggies, seared chicken breast, mixed greens, and some sort of dressing, dip, cheese, etc. It’s so tasty, so simple, and so satisfying. And, it’s quite pretty, if you ask me.

I made a friend! This is Addie - we met at work and became friends instantly. Instantly! We’ve been there for each other through plenty of unexpected ups and downs over the last few months. It’s the kind of friendship two people are very lucky to share.

Mission Become a Regular at My Local Coffee Shop accomplished! Jenna and I are frequent visitors of our Caribou Coffee shop. Pro tip: join the rewards program. The points add up quickly, and when you forget your wallet on one of those days and NEED coffee, the points will save you. Also, can we take a second to appreciate those shimmery buildings in the background?! That’s my office! Gah, I’m so lucky.

My favorite meal with my favorite man. Red Cow has some of theeeeeee best burgers I’ve ever had. I’ve tried a few on the menu, and now I always always always rely on a burger that, terribly unfortunately, is not on their menu at the moment. I just checked the website so I could provide the correct name, and didn’t see it listed. How sad! It’s a juicy burger topped with creamy bleu cheese and sweet apricot jam. Pair it with sweet potato crinkle plank fries, a nice crisp cider, and you’ve got yourself quite a meal.

One of my favorite places in Minneapolis - Lakes and Legends. ❤️I’ll admit - I do feel a bit strange expressing so much love for a brewery, but you’ll understand where I’m coming from after your first visit. A welcoming, fun team of staff members and master brewers, a wide open taproom that has adapted so well to the demands of maintaining a healthy and successful business during a pandemic, and of course, a rotating tap selection of beers crafted by hand. This brewery is the definition of community here in this neighborhood. And it has made Friday nights in 2020 feel somewhat normal. You can find me here once or twice a week (or, when stuck at home, with a L&L crowler that I picked up in the taproom).

What better way to follow than with a photo of the pizza-slinging food truck I fell in love with (not an exaggeration) during my first visit to L&L?! Blue Fire Pizza Truck - you guys. It doesn’t get better than this. The three guys crammed in the truck work hard to craft these incredible, crispy-crusted, cheesy-topped pizzas that I will forever adore and… well, quite honestly, stalk on social media. It’s a food truck - that’s what one must do!

Perhaps the most exciting event of 2020 - finally obtaining my personal trainer certification on October 25th! Years in the making, this certification felt so so good to finally hold in my own two hands. I love cooking and baking, but this is where my heart is. Training, learning to adapt to new stimuli, challenging my body and mind, and someday soon, walking alongside others as they do the same to achieve their goals.

I VOTED. I walked out of the polling location around the corner from my apartment feeling empowered and important for one of the first times all year. This feeling was unlike any other. And yes, I cried. It’s me - come on.

I also made this lunch approximately 17 million times - roasted sweet potato (or whatever the white ones are, technically) over mixed greens with seared sausage (here’s my favorite brand), topped with crumbled bleu cheese and homemade balsamic vinaigrette. It’s a bowl of perfectly combined sweet, salty, and tangy flavors with all sorts of textures. It’s my perfect lunch, and that makes my work-prep routine so much easier every week. I know exactly what I’m packing for lunch and I know it will keep me feeling satisfied and energized to power through the rest of the day.

I think I’ve taken more daily walks since March this year than I have in my entire lifetime, and I bet I’m only one of many who can say that. Look how beautiful these winter walks are, even without snow yet! I can’t say I’m too happy about the absence of snow, but it is what it is, and it’s still beautiful outside.

We did, however, get snow dumped on us back in October and November! And speaking of beauty - my goodness! The sunlight reflecting off the snow on these white mornings lit up my whole apartment and it was just marvelous. I cannot wait for this to happen again.

This was both a surprise to many and a big accomplishment for me - I bought a new TV AND set it up all by myself! Technically, the TV didn’t require much hands-on after it was out of the box and on the TV stand, but that task in and of itself (not to mention schlepping it out of Best Buy and confidently assuring the employees I didn’t need their assistance) was quite a feat. I’ve never been much of a TV-watcher, aside from my favorite cooking shows and Christmas movies when the time comes around, but my apartment just begged for one, especially since we are heading into winter and another partial shutdown due to the pandemic. Now, I’m definitely a TV-watcher, but don’t worry about providing recommendations because I probably will just keep watching re-runs of The Great British Baking Show and The Chef Show. 😊

And here’s the other side of my apartment! My tiny little living room. It’s cozy and space-efficient, it’s pretty, and it’s all mine. Renting my own apartment somewhere in a metropolitan area during my 20’s has always been a goal of mine. To do so during a pandemic and major period of civil unrest when the beloved Minneapolis/St. Paul area looks completely different, not so much, but here I am and I’m making the best of it.

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Two more very important things: my human and our pup. ❤️ I don’t quite know what I would have done this year without them. I’m so grateful for Lily’s cuddles and licks, and Brandon’s strength, optimism, and uplifting sense of humor that reminds me to not take life too seriously, and encourages me to remember how strong I am, even on the toughest of days. I love these two!

One more thing: confidence. If there’s one thing I’ve reclaimed this year, it’s my self-confidence. As I’m sure many of us did, I went through a rough patch when this pandemic started - I was jobless, but giving my job search my all every single day; I was hungry for friends, but not able to see anyone; I was grateful to be with my family, but discouraged that I couldn’t be working and living the life I had pictured for this time in my 20’s. And I was fit and healthy, but - most importantly - just not confident in my own skin.

I realized it was only I who has control over my self-confidence, so I took charge and made changes to rebuild myself - mind and body. What size I wear and how much I weigh doesn’t matter. What truly matters at the end of the day, to me, is that I took the initiative to make the change I wanted and needed to make and have sustained it. I’m not perfect and I have plenty of bad days still, but I know that at the end of any good or bad day, I have me and I love this woman I have become.

And that’s the most valuable piece of advice I can give - ask yourself who you are, what you want, and where you are at. Do you love the person in your head, in your heart, in the mirror? Are you focusing on the things you can control and pursuing your goals whole-heartedly? Are you taking care of yourself? Ask yourself those questions, and be brave to make changes as needed. Be brave. 🖤

Thoughts: Six Years Later

Well, first things first: happy 6th birthday to Hungry Haley ❤️

Six years ago. I feel like I was both a completely different person and yet still all the same as I am now. I don’t know how that works, or if it makes sense (it doesn’t), but there’s no other way to describe it. 

When I launched this blog, I was heading off to college, right after my first heart-break, excited and terrified for all the change I saw coming, and knee-deep in an eating disorder. It was… a weird time. But I latched on for dear life to this little space I had just created for myself and found so much comfort, so much growth, so much of everything I didn’t know I needed at the time.

Peace. Acceptance. Discovery. Passion. Connection. It healed me.

As the years went on, I evolved and so did my little space. Not in a good way or a bad way, it just did. I loved that - that this is mine, no one else’s, and it can be whatever I want it to be because it’s part of me. It’s a big, big part of me…

… but it’s not who I am. It’s not my career. It’s not something I think about everyday, or want to do everyday. I’m passionate about what this page represents, about the relationships I’ve built through it, and about the person it has helped shape me into. I’m just not that passionate about developing content anymore. 

A couple months ago, I was offered the job I’ve pictured myself in for years now. That’s 45-50 hours of my week and I love it! That just leaves very little time and energy for me to run Hungry Haley the same way I always have. Since the day I received the offer in June, I knew this change was coming. Actually, I’ve known for an even longer time, but haven’t given the thought much room to grow because it’s HARD to think about changing and - even though I don’t want to say “losing”, I know it’s a possibility so I need to say it - losing this space. 

One night after work last week, I crashed on the couch and felt everything hit me. How can I possibly keep up with blogging and social media, a personal training “side business”, work a full-time job, and still do my own thing? 

See, Hungry Haley no longer falls into the category of “my own thing”. My own things are different from what they were six years ago (not surprisingly). Now, I want to go outside and explore and interact with people. I still want to eat and take pictures, but I don’t want to feel pressured to write about the whole thing and my whole weekend and all these nutrition tips and workouts and recipes. If the website is there, I feel that pressure. 

I know what everyone will say - “Haley, you don’t need to give it up completely! Just take a step back.” And then I’ll give them the you-know-me look that says “Yeah, right.”

So, this is the change I’m making, the one I’ve seen coming for a while now. I’m taking a break from the blog (even though I will most definitely be writing everyday behind the scenes, just for my own sanity) and changing the frequency, intention, and slightly the content of my social media posts. I need to give myself a break to rest, to think clearly. It’s hard to think about letting all of this go, and it’s just as hard to think about continuing to carry the load I am now. I’m putting too much pressure on myself and I’m e x h a u s t e d. 

Most importantly, I want to reconnect with Haley, and give “Hungry Haley” some space. Anyone who is in the food-blogging, social media, “influencer” sphere knows that a lot of things can get to your head, and the cliche saying “stay true to who you are” is instrumental. Hungry Haley is a big, big part of me, but not the x amount of likes, comments, followers, or the frequency of my posts. 

My desire to work is there. I love my job. My desire to get involved in the community is there. I love Minneapolis. My desire to meet new people is there. I’m making friends! My desire to grow my fitness and nutrition knowledge is there. I want to study personal training and nutrition coaching. 

I just don’t have the desire to be everything Hungry Haley has been for the last six years anymore.

Thoughts: Some Changes

I have fallen in love with this space over the last six years. It’s become a home for my heart and my head in the best and worst of times, and it will always be that. However, Hungry Haley has never been my dream. It’s a part of my passion, but not the biggest part. I enjoy much of the time I spend working in this space, and I’ve tried and tried and tried to make this space my career (and to those of who can and have done that, I applaud you because it is hard!), but I’ve always known that there is something else I need to be doing to develop skills, to grow my knowledge, and to pursue what really is my passion. 

A few months ago, I sat in a coffee shop a little bogged down after hours of job-searching. Nothing I had come across yet lit me up or at the very least felt like a position I could see myself in. Just as I was about to close up my computer for the day and head home, an opening popped up on my screen and I read the description. 

It’s perfect. I knew it. 

That was in March, and then a week later, the pandemic hit and interrupted the application and interview process, which had since then been on hold until only a few weeks ago when I heard from the hiring manager again. She emailed me late one Friday night, and of course I wasn’t doing much, so I responded and confirmed the third and final interview within minutes. My heart raced. My palms sweat. My hopes rose again and I knew I had to do everything in my power to get this job. 

And guess what? I GOT THE JOB.

I waited and waited and waited ever so impatiently throughout the entire process, and when it finally closed with a job offer last week, I cried tears of joy for the next three days straight. I could cry just thinking about it! 

Starting next Monday, I’ll be working in downtown Minneapolis at Fifth Street Towers. This is a full-time job, 40 hours a week, Monday-Friday. It won’t be easy-breezy and it will be stressful at times. I’m nervous and excited. I’m so ready. 

So, what does this mean for Hungry Haley?

Well, it means Hungry Haley moves to the backseat. This is my passion project, my hobby, my side thing. It’s never been my dream career, so I’m okay with this. I need an office with coworkers and human interaction. I need time away from recipe-developing and Pinterest-ing. Personal training will also take a backseat. I will continue to produce content and take clients as I am able, while maintaining my job as my priority. 

I wanted to share this here because this space, yes, is a small part of my passion and a large piece of my heart. I’ve shared so much here, dedicated so much time and energy to it. Placing it in the backseat isn’t easy, but I know it’s right. Most importantly, I know that I am happy. 

Thank you for your continued support of Hungry Haley ☺️ 

PS - the more I re-read this, the more it sounds like a goodbye. It’s not! It’s just a shift of focus. As much as this is a food and fitness blog, it’s a lifestyle blog. So, this is a shift towards the life component, and given that my life is already so much about food and fitness, what is really going to change? ❤️

Thoughts: Something Exciting (finally!)

Buried beneath all the sudden changes of 2019, the final exams and research papers, the hopeful blog posts, the hours spent working another job, and the piles of more financially realistic job applications, a goal I set in 2018 - to become a certified personal trainer - hasn’t been reached. Nonetheless, it’s remained a goal, and challenging my physical and mental strength through exercise and nutrition has only grown stronger as a passion. 

When life finally forced me to sit down and think long and hard about a career and what I want to do - what lights my fire, what ignites my passion - it wasn’t food blogging or marketing or cooking or baking. I thumbed through job postings on LinkedIn one day in March (actually, it was March 10th, and yes I remember the exact date) and I came across a position with a corporate wellness program management company. After learning more about the company and the position during the first interview, I envisioned myself in the position with the most clarity, confidence, and excitement I could ever remember. 

And then… well, then COVID-19 happened and the position was put on hold due to government restrictions. I was disappointed, discouraged, sad, and angry, and I still am sometimes. This time, amidst another round of unexpected change, I was determined to not let the unfortunate circumstances bury my goals. I have no idea what will happen next - next week, next month, even in the next 6 or 12 months. Those outcomes are largely out of my control. However, I have control over my time management, my effort, and my goals and I will not let this one escape me. So… 

I am becoming a NASM Certified Personal Trainer! Assuming I pass my exam in June, that is. With the extra time in my schedule to study the material, I should be well-equipped and confident when that day comes. In the meantime, between chunks of time studying, I’ll be designing a couple new pages here to fit in workouts and nutrition-focused blog posts. 

Geez, now that I’ve shared this, I feel like I can’t not pass. The pressure is on. Above all, I’m just excited to finally begin the pursuit of what I’m most passionate about. This is what lights me up and ignites my passion. This makes me feel like… me. And I can’t wait to share that here! 

Photo by Karly Kreative.

Thoughts on Quarantine... and Sourdough (of course)

Sourdough starter - often thought of as an intimidating, difficult-to-control baking project to take on only when you can dedicate your full attention and all your time (and flour) to it. For me, though, it’s the least intimidating, most controllable, and most comforting thing around me right now. Several times, I've tiptoed on the edge of tears in moments following pure joy spent with my family, or breathing in fresh air outside. Life and emotions - both of which belong to me - seem unpredictable and uncontrollable right now. 

I had two promising job opportunities for which the final interviews were being scheduled the week before the coronavirus plagued the U.S. I had just started a relationship, the first one I’ve truly believed in since… well, it’s been a long time. I was finally settling into life in this new-ish-to-me state of Minnesota after the cold winter snow had melted, restaurant patios were gearing up for their Spring openings and my list of places to visit and things to do and explore was growing in pages by the day. For the first time in - wow - almost 2 years, I felt genuinely happy and excited for what was to come. And in (what feels like) an instant, those job opportunities closed like the doors to my favorite coffee shops. Suddenly, I didn’t know when I’d see my guy again and we were forced to jump into long-distance and the whole deeper side of a relationship that involves talking about feelings, family struggles, job losses, and loneliness within 3 weeks. And my list? Pointless because restaurants and bars (which constituted most of the list) and popular parks had closed. 

Everything, upside down and inside out and… closed and restricted. Stay home, reduce contact, refrain from frequent grocery store trips (which used to be my Monday-Friday hobby and part of what makes blogging and cooking/baking such a passion). So, what can I control? What can I lean on for joy, comfort, reassurance?

Even though many, many parts of life feel terrifying, there are parts that haven’t caught COVID-19. For me, that’s my sourdough starter. It’s always there for me, tucked away cozy on my kitchen counter, needing nothing more than a small and simple meal and gentle stir once a day, always bubbling with recipe opportunities - Pretzels! Bagels! Biscuits! Cinnamon rolls! Each one brings me joy and comfort throughout the entire process, from imagining to levain-ing to rising to to eating. 

Each one teaches me patience and trust in the slow passing of time - the arts that must be mastered in the sourdough process. Just because my loaves, English muffins, and pretzels haven’t flopped (yet) doesn’t mean I’ve nailed the patiently waiting and trusting part, though. Like Brené Brown says, “Trust is built in the small moments.” With each recipe and each proof within the recipe, the dough rises over a period of 4-8 hours, much longer than what’s required for yeast-risen doughs. The loaves, muffins, and pretzels are made with slightly different doughs and consequently show slightly different signs of rising. Patience is built in the waiting, and trust is strengthened in the small risings.

This quarantine makes time pass more slowly than ever, and demands of me my patience and trust as each day brings a new set of updates, changes, restrictions, cases, and sadly, deaths. I’m challenged in every way - some make me feel tall and confident, while others leave me feeling small and powerless. Some make me feel like I do when my dough has risen properly and doubled in size, and others leave me feeling as flat and useless as an unfed sourdough starter.

In the former moments, I embrace the joy, confidence, and faith. In the latter moments, I lean on long walks with deep breaths of fresh air, family dinners and movie nights, time in the kitchen, and my sourdough starter. Though I can’t plan any events in my calendar or create a work schedule each week, and I can’t look forward to a happy hour at a new restaurant on the patio or take my time strolling through the produce section perusing my dinner options, here’s what I can do: I can hug my loved ones (the ones in my home, at least), I can move my body in ways that feel good, I can stand in the kitchen all day with my apron tied around my waist, and I can look forward to another process of imagining, leavein-ing, rising, and eating, where I savor simple, homemade joy and comfort.

Photo by Karly Ann Johnson.

Thoughts on Self-Control

I ate a bite of cookie dough at 8:56 AM and immediately thought about the concept of self-control. Just before 9 AM isn’t the typical cookie time, so does that mean I shouldn’t be eating the cookie? Should I practice tighter self-control? What even is self-control? Many believe that self-control is about food restriction - don’t eat that cookie! Especially not at this hour. But I believe that self-control can be more beneficial when applied to our thoughts and mindset - don’t judge yourself based on such a small act! Especially for eating just a bite of cookie dough that was absolutely delicious. 

Unable to withhold my curiosity on this topic, I asked my Instagram followers what came to mind when they thought of or heard the term “self-control”. Here are the most common responses:

• restriction, and rigid food and exercise rules

• dieting, unhealthy

• anxiety, obsessive thoughts

• guilt, blame

• a trigger (likely of eating disorder/disordered eating behaviors)

• imposed by culture/society

Interesting. I share many of these mental associations because I’ve lived in my own world that revolved around my self-control. Without it - if I slipped up one day and ate merely 7 more calories than I was “supposed to” - I was crushed by anxiety and obsessive thoughts, guilt and blame. Given these responses, I don’t doubt that many of you know those feelings well, too.

To the person who mentioned the last bullet point - “imposed by culture/society” - THANK YOU. You’re exactly right and you’ve helped guide this post in the right direction. Self-control, in terms of food and exercise, is not a desired state of living for the human body. It’s natural, sometimes, perhaps when stress arises, but it’s meant to pass. Our bodies aren’t meant to live in rigid self-control (of food and exercise) mode. Self-control is a weight-loss tactic imposed by diet culture. Diet culture doesn’t prioritize our long-term health the way it prioritizes profit.

What if we thought of self-control less from a point of food restriction, and more from a point of negative-thought restriction? What if we focused less on what we can’t feed ourselves and more on what we can tell ourselves? Just like you probably wouldn’t want to eat deep-fried cheese-stuffed bacon-wrapped Oreos everyday, you also wouldn’t want to constantly tell yourself that you suck at self-care, you’re lazy, unmotivated, and unskilled. Both are extremes (though I might want a bite of that Oreo concoction sometime, just out of taste curiosity), but only to get my point across. 

After extreme restriction, the body eventually arrives at a point where it can no longer maintain such circumstances, and it loses control. The mind works similarly. We can’t “perfectly” control every morsel of food we put into our bodies or the amount of exercise we perform forever, and we can’t control every single thought that pops into our heads. What we CAN do is notice the thoughts that come in, approach them free of judgment, and determine whether or not that thought speaks any truth. Is this criticism even worth your time and energy? If the thought is making a hurtful judgment about your character based on something you ate, it’s not worth your time and energy. Counter that thought with something truthful, positive, and encouraging about who you are - and maybe it should have nothing to do with food, exercise, or physical appearance - and let the negativity go.

THIS is what you can control.

I’m not telling you to eat to cookies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I won’t ever tell you how or what to eat (but you should try this vegan snack board because it’s fun and adventurous). I hope you’ll always listen to your internal cues to determine your food choices, with consideration of your external environment, of course. I also hope you’ll be mindful of your mind - what’s it telling you when you take a bite of a cookie, or a burger, or a grilled chicken breast, or a salad? Do you believe whatever it’s saying? Take control of your thoughts and tell yourself the truth - your food choices don’t determine your character. You do. Eat what you love, with who you love.

Thoughts: Bathroom Mirror Pep-Talks, Books, Podcasts, and Adjustments

From the books I can’t put down and the podcasts I can’t get enough of, to the number one way I pull myself out of a funk and an important reminder in the wake of many changes, these are the things I’m thinking about these days.

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Bathroom Mirror Pep-Talks 

I look at this as a way of adulting. When it’s been one of those days and you need an encouraging pick-me-up - and even coffee, cinnamon rolls, your favorite belt-it-out-in-the-car-song, funny YouTube videos and memes won’t do the trick - try a bathroom mirror pep-talk. I’ve had a few of those lately, and I’ve needed to escape the crowd of people around me to gather my emotions before they let burst like a ruptured artery. 

I made dinner reservations at - Young Joni - the top place on my Minnesota Eats and Drinks list a month in advance because it’s that hot of a spot, and I’d been counting down the days. Finally, the day arrived, and as my parents and I drove over, I sat in the backseat feeling a thick cloud of smoke wrap around me, infecting my sunny excitement and joy with gloomy discouragement and sorrow. Suddenly my mind felt heavier than I could lift. The lump in my throat felt like a baseball. My heart felt… slow. 

I didn’t know how to escape this besides escaping my surroundings, so I excused myself to the restroom, gripped the sink, and looked myself in the eyes. They swelled with tears and I didn’t try to stop them. I let them roll down my cheeks, just feeling them. Letting myself feel. Soon enough, they slowed to a stop and I gathered myself, finding and embracing the strength and encouragement scattered throughout my heart. “Life is bigger than this moment. You are stronger than you think. And this will make sense soon.” 

Took a deep breath. Wiped the tears. And walked out a little stronger, content that I finally found the strength I needed within in a moment when I felt weakest. 

Books

“Yeah, I guess I like to read,” as I shuffle through three books on my nightstand: Good Habits, Bad Habits; Crazy Rich Asians; and Will Write For Food. Yes, I do like to read. I love it. For the sake of balance, creativity, and fun, I like to have multiple genres on hand at the same time. 

Good Habits, Bad Habits is my educational book, satisfying my nerdy needs. I’m not in school anymore, and that void needs to be filled somehow. Ideally, I’d get my hands on a nutrition book, but those are tough to find amongst all the diet and weight loss books stacked on bookshelves. If you know of any, leave your recommendations in the comments! Much appreciated. 

Crazy Rich Asians is my second favorite movie (The Princess Diaries has my heart) in writing. I didn’t think I’d like reading the book of a movie I’ve already seen, but I actually enjoy picturing the characters, scenery, and interactions. This is the book I pull out from the middle of the stack when I’m cozying up in bed and need something to help me unwind, slow the wheels in my brain, and ease me into sleep. In the same way I admire Anne Hathaway’s genuine sophistication, confidence, and drive, I admire Rachel Chu’s determination, fearlessness, and intelligence. 

Will Write for Food feels like I’m actually still working when I’d rather be relaxing, when I’ve already closed my computer and ripped up my to-do list from the day - that’s why it’s taking me the longest to get through this one. Even though it’s educational, applicable to my field of work, and interesting, I still need some convincing to open this one up. If you’re a food writer, I’d definitely recommend adding this to your library! 

Podcasts 

I spend more time in my car these days than I ever have - driving into work, to a friend’s house, and even to the grocery store and gym gives me at least 15 minutes in the car. The productivity-driven self-employed to-do-list lover I am always asks how I can use that time to my advantage. As much as I adore cute, mushy-gushy love songs that let me slip away into day-dreams of the “perfect” relationship for a couple minutes, to me, that dreamland isn’t the place where I want to spend most of my time. And now that I’m not in school, I’m craving little snippets of education like a couple bites of something sweet after dinner every night. 

On days when I don’t drive anywhere, I still need to leave the house. Like, I need to. So, I lace up my shoes, slip on my gloves, and plug in my headphones and hope that my fingers won’t freeze over the course of the next hour while I walk, listen, and think.

Thank goodness for podcasts. Many podcasts. More than I can manage, at times, actually. Among my favorites: Bon Appetit and The Splendid Table, for foodies; TED Talks Daily, NPR News Now, Up First, and Hidden Brain, for nerds and news junkies; Nutrition Matters, Nourishing Women, The Chasing Joy Podcast, and Food Psych, for the intuitive eaters and wellness geeks; Get Real with Caroline Hobby, Ellen on the Go, and Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations, for the casual but still-worth-your-time conversationalists; aaaaand Ask Iliza Anything, for the I-just-need-to-laugh moments. It’s a diverse list that keeps me interested, educated, and curious. 

What are your favorite podcasts? Just in case my list isn’t long enough… 

Adjustments

Naturally, I create timelines in my mind. By this time, I should be _____. Fill in the blank: in a relationship, working full-time in my ideal job, signing the lease on my new apartment, feeling completely comfortable in my new home, and the list goes on. It’s a good thing I don’t fill my calendar with these expectations because that thing would be an absolute mess of scribbles and X’s and arrows. In a subconscious attempt to push myself through discomfort, I inadvertently set deadlines for these things over which I don’t have full control. All I’m doing is setting unrealistic expectations, goals I’m not sure I can reach, and letting myself down when I can’t fulfill them for whatever reason. 

When I moved here in October, I thought that by March - the end of winter and beginning of spring (fingers crossed) - I’d fully acclimated to the weather, the cities, the suburbs, a new job, a new set of friends, etc. What exactly gave me the idea that March would be this magical point in time, I’m not sure. And here I am, still adjusting. I’m still reminding myself to never leave my gloves and tennis shoes in the car overnight because they’ll lose their purpose of warmth the next day. I’m still learning how to drive in the snow, when lanes disappear and snowflakes cover the windshield. I’m still searching for a (new) job, a big-girl job with full-time hours, benefits, and responsibilities that match my qualifications. I’m still adjusting to living at home under my parents’ roof in a town with few young adults looking to socialize. 

I’m still adjusting and I’m still learning that it’s o k a y if I’m not where I thought I should be by now. I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

LET’S CONNECT!

Thanks for reading! Tell me: what podcasts and books are you loving right now? In what ways are you building up your confidence and resilience? And, if you’re in the midst or aftermath of changes, how are you adjusting to them?

Thoughts on Loss (and 2019)

It’s around this time of year that we tend to reflect on the previous 11-12 months, and I am one who loves to reflect. This year, however, the reflection I’m looking at is difficult to take in. 2019, age 23, and my first year out of college (technically 3/4 of a year, but whatever) was far from easy. In fact, I remember just before 2019 began - around this time exactly one year ago - feeling this sort of queasy uneasiness about the coming year. Like when you can feel a cold coming on, but much worse - like a cold that will last 12 times longer than usual with symptoms more intense than ever.

2019, age 23, and my first year out of college was a year of loss - losing friends, losing family, losing what I had known as normal for 18 years, losing my faith, and with that, most of myself.

Before I walked through the door of 2019, I dropped my faith somewhere along the sidewalk leading up to it. With too much in my hands and not a tight enough grip, my faith slipped right through my fingers. My first few steps in the door were shaky and unstable already. Without my foundation of faith beneath me, I relied on external forces for stability and affirmation, creating this vicious cycle of feeling insecure and weak —> trusting unfulfilling sources for confidence and strength —> lacking fulfillment —> feeling insecure and weak again. I relied on work, school, and relationships to hold me up at my weakest point in time, and as you may guess, I fell hard and I fell hard quite frequently.

Nonetheless, I’d pick myself up each time and stand up again on my shaky foundation.

By April, one third of my foundation had disintegrated when I took my last ever college final. For a while, feelings of excitement and accomplishment overpowered feelings of uncertainty about what’s next, with which most recent college grads will probably agree (right, guys?). I strengthened the foundation with a “big-girl” job as the manager of a local café in San Luis Obispo. This place practically screamed my name and I loved running after that call every day. Finally, little bits and pieces of confidence, strength, and stability returned. I may have lost the routine of school and the blessing of having my best friends as roommates, but at least now I had a job I felt passionate about and skilled at.

In May, my family received the news that my grandpa had been diagnosed with stage 4 bone cancer. Excuse my French, but all I can remember thinking was “f*ck.” 2,500 miles away and not planning to move back to Minnesota, I had no idea how I’d do this, how I’d support my family in this trial and how I’d continue to live so far after the result we all had to face - my grandpa’s passing. Our lives were forever changed on June 26th, 2019, when God called Grandpa Home. Peace followed after a time of extreme stress, anxiety, and pain, but so did grief. And we’re still there, wading through those muddy waters. Losing my grandpa was the first loss of a family member I’d been mature enough to comprehend. And it hurt like hell.

A couple months passed and again, I felt confidence, strength, and some stability return. Again, however, the foundation was unreliable. Major cracks and holes appeared in my relationship with my boyfriend at the time and I thought that with some difficult conversations and perseverance, we could patch them up. We could fill the holes and move forward in our relationship, in our plan for the future, but all of that crumbled to pieces right before my eyes and I was completely shocked. It took my breath away and for the first time in my entire life, I experienced anxiety attacks. Looking for something familiar and comforting to grab a hold of, I drove to my favorite beach sunset spot and as I looked out at the water, at the waves crashing on the shore and rolling back out to sea, I felt my throat tighten, heartbeat race, mind lose control. To feel such overpowering fear in my most comforting place, it was the worst.

All I could think about in the days following was how out of place I felt - so far away from my best friends and my grieving family as I grieved on my own there in the place I was too stubborn and too in love with to leave. Maybe I needed to leave, though. Maybe I needed to pack up and move to Paris and eat croissants and drink French wine all day everyday. No. Maybe I needed to move to New York and bustle my way through the city and work my buns off for my dream job. No. Maybe I just needed to move… home. Minnesota. Where family is. Where I can focus on them and me and just be okay again. So I did and here I am. I made the best decision of my life, and the hardest at the same time.

Okay, one more thing.

Maggie, our pup’s 16th birthday was around the corner when I arrived. Speaking of corners, she could barely see them and she could barely hear us call her name. We knew, as we did with my grandpa, that her time was approaching, but we shoved those thoughts out of our minds and pulled her closer instead. Less than three weeks later, Mom, Dad, and I became her care-takers after what we think was a stroke - she just wasn’t the Maggie we knew anymore. As a family, we decided it was time we put her down. Anyone who has ever had to put their beloved little pup down knows that it’s damn near impossible. We couldn’t remember or imagine life in our house without her, but we had to figure it out, and we’re still doing that.

Now that I’ve just dumped a heavy load of sadness on you…

Let me share with you some of the things I’ve learned. I’ll just flip back through 286 journal pages and… oh, here they are:

Faith. I have nothing in this life if I don’t have my faith. I still have many questions, but I know that they are part of maintaining this strong relationship with God and continuing to grow stronger. I needed to almost lose my faith, to watch it start slipping through my fingers and to try to walk along without it, to learn how to tighten my grip simply because I need to. Because trying to lead myself through days and weeks and months, the easy and the tough, becomes exhausting and confusing. Because I trust that God wants better and has better planned for me, and that I all I need to do is allow Him to do so. Because I can’t think of any better way to show my love for a God who has done so much for me than to love and trust Him.

Friends and family. I can group these two together because I’m blessed to have family I’m so close with they feel like friends, and friends I’m so close with they feel like family. The hard-to-swallow truth is that losing friends and family isn’t going to stop anytime soon. With life and age, family members pass. With separation and jobs and spouses and whatnot, friends become distant. Relationships change, no matter how much we try to maintain them as they are in any moment. What we can find comfort in are tight-knit friendships and relationships - even though these inevitably due to various factors, true friends and family will (as cheesy as it may sound) stick together through the worst of times.

Moving and settling. My heart was in two places when I left California - right there on the beach in my college town and right here in snowy Minnesota where my family is. A torn heart only begins to describe the feeling in my chest when Dad and I drove away for the last time. I’ve settled in here in Minnesota and I really truly honestly am whole-heartedly happy here now. With only a few friends (besides Mom and Dad - my best friends) around, I’ve spent plenty of time alone, in my own head, listening to my own thoughts and my own heart. That, most of the time, is what I do best and how I feel my best. I couldn’t be more of an introvert at heart, and I’m incredibly thankful that moving here has given me an opportunity to tune back into that part of myself.

So, now what? Now, I know that with God I can handle quite a load. I know that more change will come - more gains and more losses - so I’d better buckle up now and get ready. Most importantly, I understand the value of taking in each moment with gratitude, finding peace in every situation, and holding on tightly to what I cherish most.

If you’re feeling the weight of loss, know that it won’t be this heavy forever. Find rest and comfort in giving this weight to Christ, who has already accepted the load when he was crucified for us. Wake up each day and remind yourself to focus on the have’s, not the have-not’s - you’ll come to realize that the former will far outweigh the latter. What can you be grateful for today? What can you look forward to today? Who can you lean on and uplift? Prioritizing these will help bring more positivity into each day, shifting the focus from what you don’t have to what you are blessed with and what you have to give to others.

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

— 2 Corinthians 12:9

Why I Write (& some of my go-to journaling prompts)

A pen and paper (which also sometimes translates to my hands and my keyboard) are like a saving grace in my life. I crave the release of my thoughts and emotions after busy days, tough days, and even joyful days. When I began taking writing more frequently, when I started blogging almost 5 years ago, I discovered so. so. so much about myself, about others, and about life in general. Maybe that sounds cheesy or even hard to believe, but every ounce of it is true. To this day, I still journal - whether I actually physically write in my journal or I just type in a blank document on my computer - almost every single day, and I have shelves stacked with worn-out and written-in journals, and files full of word documents and drafts.

I’m not perfect, though - sometimes I lose focus and let life disorganize my priorities, which happened during the last couple of months. In the back of my mind, I knew I needed to take the time to sit down and write, to just release everything from my brain for even just a moment, but of course my to-do list - pack, move, study, graduate, find a job, work, organize, etc. - convinced me that it was most important. And as life sometimes does, it just kept building. I kept scheduling events, working longer hours, saying yes to things I’d rather have said no, and trying to convince myself that I was fine. That I didn’t need to write.

Finally, one night in Minnesota, the night before my grandpa passed, I was the only one awake and had absolutely nothing else to do. Finally, I wrote, and I cannot tell you how amazing it felt. I cried (tears fell on my keyboard and I thought I might break my computer just by crying) and cried and cried - the situation at the time was highly emotional, but also, just the release of thoughts and emotions felt incredible. And for the first time in months, I felt connected to myself. After that trip, and after some heart-breaking news, I came back to California and cried again. This time I was on my own couch in my apartment and I was alone, so I cried even harder. I didn’t know what to do. I felt the weight of the world, or at least my excruciatingly heavy world at the time, on my chest. Grace came home and comforted me, and as I sobbed to her about feeling disconnected from myself again, she asked when was the last time I journaled. She knew exactly what I needed. That night, I wrote almost 12 pages in my journal and with each page, I felt a little better. More like me, even in some of the most challenging life circumstances.

All of that is to say that writing is one of my ultimate priorities - just like movement and intuitive eating and alone time. I don’t write just to post on this blog or to fill pages of cute colorful journals. I write to hear myself think. I write to let myself word-vomit and then clean it up. I write to exhale after inhaling all day. I write to put life into perspective. I write to remember.

I write to learn more about who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming.

Here are some of the prompts I created for myself in those terrifying oh-my-word-what-is-happening moments.

What are some things (activities, people, passions, etc.) that bring me joy? (don’t hold back - I listed everything from laughing to watching the sunset to drinking coffee.)

What are some things (activities, people, passions, etc.) that make me feel confident? (this one was interesting - I looked back on it and realized none of the things I listed had to do with eating or exercising a certain amount, or fitting into a certain size jeans.)

How can I practice gratitude more often throughout each day and week? (I think a lot of this one has to do with just slowing down and taking a deeeeeep breath.)

What are my intentions for today? (I write three each morning and then reflect on how I lived those out, or maybe didn’t and why, that day.)

What are some learning opportunities from today? (these tie into the reflections from above).

What am I looking forward to today? (list as many things as possible!)

How can I take care of myself right now? (I like the idea of toolboxes - I’ll think of a handful of things that make me feel better, more confident, more secure, etc. and use those in times of stress, loneliness, or just “bleh” days)

What are some qualities I want to develop/foster? (I thought of things like patience, vulnerability, and self-compassion.)

I hope this inspires you to pick up a pen and paper sometime soon. And I hope you never feel like your writing needs to be “perfect” - just like we don’t know what the perfect human looks/sounds/acts like, we don’t know what perfect writing (journaling, especially) is. All it needs to be is YOU. If that requires peace and quiet, find that space. If it requires 10 minutes or an hour of your day, make that time. Not only is writing worth it, but so are you.

Take care, friends!

Thoughts Lately: Family

I type to you from my seat on the plane, my fourth time in one of these super comfy things in the last two weeks. A couple days ago, I flew back to Minnesota for my grandpa’s funeral (catch up here). It’s not that I despise going back to Minnesota - quite the opposite, actually. I love it and would spend twice as much time there if I could. It’s just that the circumstances under which I’ve been going recently aren’t the best. 

My grandpa’s funeral took place yesterday at his local church. During my grandpa’s last couple days with us, the pastor at his church came to visit him and almost knocked all of us over when he looked my grandparents in the eyes and thanked them - he said they have been pillars of this church. The few times I’d attended a service with them, I was not surprised by the amount of friends - I might even say family - they’ve collected within their church community. My grandparents are amazing people, and all these friends/family will without an ounce of hesitation say the exact same thing. So, my family knew this was the right place for the funeral. Having only been to one funeral before, and being only 10 years old at the time, I didn’t know what to expect (seems like that’s a major theme throughout this experience, huh?). 

As the family of the person everyone gathered to celebrate and remember, my parents, brother, sister-in-law, and I stood at the front of the church with my grandma while all the guests - all those friends that seem close enough to be family, just like us - greeted us and gave their most genuine condolences. After about ten minutes of this, tears collected in pools just behind my eyes, ready to overflow, as I noticed the line wrapping all around the inside of the church and then out the door. All. These. People. Here for my grandpa. He was an amazing man, to say the least, and I’ve known this my entire life. But, my goodness. All of these people loved him so dearly, too. I couldn’t and still can’t comprehend the amount of love I felt radiating throughout the church. My knees buckled as the tears dripped out. I tried to stop them and cover it up, but dammit, this is my grandpa’s funeral. Who am I trying to kid. I’m kind of a mess right now and if that’s any indication of how much I loved him, then let the mess be messier. 

My dad and brother both gave speeches dedicated to Grandpa, and again, I was floored. That man - Wayne Hansen - was and is so so so immensely and unconditionally loved. And he didn’t hesitate to show us that love, too. 

If it’s not clear already, the past few months have knocked me over quite aggressively. Graduating and starting a new job have been fun and exciting, but stepping into adulthood is freakin’ scary. On top of that, I’ve been wrestling with a lot of internal questions about who I am, what I want to do, what I believe, how I want to feel, how I want to live, who I want to be with, my next five to ten years of life, and the list goes on. I’m learning, growing, and handling it (barely, at times). I’m crying quite a bit, too, but that’s actually helping. I’m reading, writing, walking, and spending time with myself in my own thoughts free of shame and judgment and “should’s”. I’m taking life day by day. In just one day last week, I filled around 15 pages in my journal with thoughts from the day and all that’s going on in my life. My hand wasn’t even tired, if you’re wondering. 

All that I’m learning about myself is for me right now, and for the blog and therefore the entire world to see at a later time, maybe. But all that I’ve learned in just these two short weeks, I will gladly share here. It’s pretty simple. 

Family. For nothing else but the unconditional love of family will carry us all through this experience. For nothing else would I have flown out of state twice in two weeks. For nothing else would Grandpa have wanted us to carry on in life, even without his presence. 

I realize that I am so beyond blessed to have such a loving family. I may never be able to express a sufficient amount of gratitude to match the love my family shares. It’s everything that matters. It’s the glue that pieces us back together. It’s the most wholehearted love I’ve ever experienced. 

On a less serious note, here are some other thoughts lately: 

1. My parents’ home feels like home, even though Minnesota doesn’t. Strange, I know, but I just love their house - the way the sunlight brightens the living room each morning while I make coffee, the frogs and crickets that sing (sometimes really annoyingly) at night out by the pond, the closeness of family, and the little white mutt that’s been a part of it all for thirteen years, and so much more. I love coming home to my parents, my family, and that house. 

2. I cannot keep up with my family when alcohol is involved. I have a glass or two of wine and that is my limit, but everyone else seems to be able to enjoy twice that. It’s not an issue - I’m glad I know my limit, but sometimes I just wish I could have one more glass without… well, you know the feeling. 

3. I think I’ve developed some minor flight anxiety. Takeoff and landing used to bring me such joy and excitement, and the in-between used to be my time to gaze out the window at the clouds, just thinking and admiring the fact that I’M FLYING. Now, though, takeoff and landing freak. me. out. and the in-between is now my time to focus on deep breaths and to try not to scream when we hit a little turbulence. 

4. If something in my life has been missing during the last couple of months (which I’m sure it’s been more than just one thing), it’s writing. It slipped out of my hands when life got a little crazy back in March, and I haven’t been able to pick it back up or to recognize that I need to pick it back up until now. When I had a little emotional breakdown last week (which actually wasn’t super little because I sat on the couch for an hour wrapped up in a blanket just sobbing, but it’s okay, I’m okay), nothing else felt right except for writing. I grabbed my journal, hugged it - not kidding - whipped it open, and wrote for about an hour straight. Almost everyday since then, I’ve written and felt much, much better. It’s one form of therapy for me. 

You have made it all the way through?! Gosh. Go you. Thank you for giving me whatever amount of time it took for you to read all of that. I appreciate you! I’ll be back on here soon with another recipe and, as always, more thoughts.

Thoughts: Advocating for My Own Health

People talk about living these out-of-body experiences, ones in which they feel they are watching themselves live from another body’s perspective. That comes close to describing the last two months for me. I feel as though I’ve been watching, through memories, the person that I want to be while living in the body of someone I do not want to become. And because life seems to move at the speed of lightning sometimes, I haven’t had a minute to realize this until now.

I’ve hesitated to talk about this for a couple reasons: 1) it’s a touchy, personal subject, and 2) I like to write about and share the things I conquer (I haven’t conquered this… yet). And yet, here I am. Though it’s a touchy personal subject that I have not yet conquered, my experiences matter and - hopefully - can positively impact in one way or another even just one person who reads this.

About two months ago, I began taking oral hormonal birth control, “the pill”. I decided that a low-dose pill was the best option for me at the time. Much of the research explained similar potential side effects: mood swings, acne, changes in menstrual cycle, weight gain, among others. My doctor assured me that those are rare, and minor when they do occur, so I trusted her and moved forward.

One month in, the changes became more apparent. I wouldn’t describe it as mood swings, but rather just an overall mood change - my usual and frequent bubbly happiness required energy, while a foreign and monotonous mood I can only describe as “blahhh” become the norm. I have found myself, multiple times, flipping through old photos and gazing at the girl I know as Haley, longing to feel like her again. Sure, life’s giving my family and I some downs right now, but the Haley I know would normally be much better able to cope and support her loves ones, too. I love a good cry every so often, but multiple times a week isn’t what I mean by that. I cherish moments when I can lean into my support system of loved ones, but the Haley I know is normally strong enough to at least manage a spoonful of life’s downs. She’s independent. This person’s body I’ve been living in seems dependent and selfish.

And this has been the hardest part - the weight change. The handful of close friends to whom I’ve opened up about this encourage me and love me, and they remind me that I’m beautiful despite my body size and that they see no difference. I believe them. I really do. I just know that things have changed, and unnaturally so. Just because weight change is a potential side effect of hormonal birth control does not make it something I need to just swallow and move on. I believe in body positivity and supporting, encouraging, and loving all shapes and sizes, and I will do everything it takes to love my body at all stages of life because I know my body will change. Naturally, it will change. This, however, is not natural. This is not a weight change I need to just swallow and move on.

I have been physically uncomfortable and mentally discouraged. I take care of myself by moving and eating intuitively and speaking kindly to myself as much as possible, so to feel like a potato when I want to move, or like garbage after I eat a balanced meal… that doesn’t make sense to me.

Everyone I talk to tells me this uncomfortable phase will pass, that my body will adjust to the hormones. Okay… is all I can seem to think. It’s all I’ve had the energy for. I consulted my doctor again and reported how I’ve been feeling. Instead of comforting her unwell and already very discouraged patient, she told me I was wrong about this, that the pill does not ever cause weight gain. That I must be doing something wrong - am I eating more? Moving less? Living mindlessly? I couldn’t believe her response, her invalidation of my feelings without an ounce of hesitation or without one single question about anything else that could be going on.

Interesting. Article after article (from credible sources!) I read warned of these side effects. Very interesting.

I weighed the pros and cons, and I examined every option, and I have decided to stop the pill and hold off on any other birth control for the time being. Some have looked at me like I’m crazy and others have promised to stand beside me, telling me they admire my decision. Brenè Brown might even do the same - I’m braving my own wilderness.

Anyway, this isn’t about that doctor or the pill, but the whole experience lit a fire under my booty that leads me here - to encouraging you to advocate for your own health. To stand up for YOU and do what’s right for YOU and take care of YOU because, at the end of every single day, you are the one you live with. Yours is the mind that thinks for you and speaks to you. Yours is the heart that beats for you and loved ones. Yours is the body that moves and functions for you. So please, please, please, whatever you do, do it for you.

My intention for this post is to share my experience, not to advertise or demonize hormonal birth control. I hope that everyone who considers it takes the time to learn about all possible side effects and consequences. Educate yourself and make the best decision for you. If someone you know is struggling with something similar, here are some resources:

1. Nourishing Minds Nutrition Podcast Episode 15

2. Real Life Women’s Health

3. The Real Life RD (blog posts about hormones)

Thoughts: Graduating, Full-time Blogging, Boundaries

GRADUATING

“Oh my gosh! You’re done with school in less than two weeks! How exciting!” It is exciting, but it is equally as scary and sad. For months, I’ve been counting down the days until I throw all my papers up in the air with the expression on my face that screams “I’M DONE!” (because we all know I wouldn’t scream in public - too much attention). For years, I’ve worked toward a diploma. I’ve stood on the platform of college, waiting for the moment when I can take a leap of faith into whatever lies ahead - a career, a job, a family, a grad school program, or something else.

But, now I’m not ready. I’m not ready to say goodbye to my classmates. I’m not ready to look my professors in the eye with feelings of preparedness and confidence. I’m not ready to sell my favorite textbooks, to not look forward to buying new ones for interesting classes. I’m not ready to walk around this beautiful, lively campus as a graduate. Now, when people ask how excited I am, I tell them that.

This town became home for me - a girl who moved from her Minnesota birthplace at a young age to an OC suburb that only felt like home because of wonderful friends and family. San Luis Obispo - all of its lush green hills, its passionate community members and friendly college kids, its sophisticated wineries to the North and its stunning beaches to the South, and closest to my heart, the nine girls who also just happened to pick this place and became my best friends - is home.

Can I get some tissues, please?

FULL-TIME BLOGGING

Onto something that is actually exciting! If you signed up for the weekly newsletter, you read a few weeks back that I am transitioning the blog into a full-time job. For about a year now, it has been my only job (or one of them), but once I finish school, it will be my full-time 9-5 thing. Well, maybe not 9-5 precisely, but you get my point. Pursuing this, just a hobby four years ago, has been one of the best decisions I’ve made. I said no to many opportunities to chase what I love and to develop my skills. I made decisions that some thought were silly, but that I know are right.

It’s kinda’ funny - I still wait until HH is brought up in conversation by someone else before I talk about it. My professors ask me what I’m doing after I graduate (don’t talk about that), and I skip right to my café plans for some reason. On the other hand, classmates, friends, and friends of friends, tell me they follow HH and instantly my hands cover my face. I poke one eye out of my hand shield and thank them sincerely, of course. Handling attention is not my strength. Embarrassed or ashamed are not the right words because I am proud of what I’ve done and passionate about what I create. I’m just… shy? I’m working on it, though, because I know that talking about what I do is a crucial component of owning my own business.

BOUNDARIES

Victoria and Meg from Nourishing Minds Nutrition discussed this on their podcast (episode 59). I listened while strolling through my neighborhood one morning and subconsciously sped up my pace to get me home quicker so that I could jot down all the personal, social, and work-related boundaries popping into my head. This is somewhat new territory for me (former people-pleaser, I guess you could say), so I’m still exploring and feeling my way around. The only clear-cut boundaries I’ve set thus far include limited social media time throughout the day and after/before specific hours, closing my email inbox when I’m not intentionally using my time for emails, and two recipes or blog posts a week.

These boundaries are here to care for and serve me so that I can be the best version of myself to care for and serve others. That’s my goal here. In case you didn’t know, this blog is not just for food. Hence, the lack of food in this post. Hence again, my tagline: “it’s more than food”.

Thanks for reading! What are your thoughts on these three things? Leave a comment below!

Thoughts: Devastation and God

If there’s one thing that has really slowed me down this week, it’s my inability to understand how the God I’ve known my whole life can allow such terrible devastation as the fires happening throughout California right now. Just two weeks ago, I felt so passionate - so “on fire”, if you will - in my restored relationship with Him after quite some time. And then these fires erupted, and with them intense fear, and hundreds of thousands of homes have been lost along with several dozen lives. God, I do not understand.

It’s only been a week, but it’s felt like a month, at least. I’ve spent time praying, both alone and with friends. I’ve spent lots of time reading updates on the fires, watching videos and looking at pictures. My friends and family have asked why in the world I do that, when each time I do I end up even more heartbroken. Reading updates brings me a little bit of peace by knowing the containment percentage, how fast the fires are traveling, and what type of terrain + weather combination is fueling the flames. Watching videos and looking at pictures is the hardest part, but doing so is normalizing this situation in my mind. In the safest way possible, it’s me “facing my fear”.

This morning - the one morning I have free to spend however I want each week - I picked up Timothy Keller’s The Reason for God and turned to the chapter in which he discusses suffering. Here, he starts by pointing out that evil, pain, suffering, devastation, etc. are not evidence against God. Just because we may not see a purpose in the situation immediately does not mean that one does not exist. Which leads me to my next question: okay, so even there is a purpose, God, why put your people - who desire you, love you, serve you - through such terrible pain and suffering?

He brings up the story of Joseph in the book of Genesis. Joseph endured great pain and suffering from the hands of his own brothers - imprisonment and slavery - and yet God uses Joseph to heal broken relationships within the family, to protect them from foreign dangers and help Israel develop as God had planned, and to provide wisdom for the famine spreading through the land (read more here). Through such trial, Joseph’s character was refined and he learned to lean solely on God for strength, protection, and guidance, shaping him into “a powerful agent for social justice and spiritual healing.” (Keller, 24).

Now think, Haley. How many times in your life have you gone through something painful? I can name off a few, though nothing compared to what Joseph endured. Through each trial, I questioned God - His purpose and sometimes even His existence - and each time, I came out of the trial knowing, loving, and trusting Him more than I ever had.

As I think about these fires and the devastation they’ve caused, the questions and uneasiness they’ve raised are stronger than ever. People are losing homes, family members, and their own lives and at an astonishing 250,000+ acres combined in the burns, I struggled to understand how the God I’ve known, loved, and trusted my whole life could watch that. He hears my prayers and those from the millions of others around the world who are also praying, and yet the fires continue.

As Jesus lay on the cross, too, God heard his cries. “On the cross, he went beyond even the worst human suffering and experienced cosmic rejection and pain that exceeds ours as infinitely as his knowledge and power exceeds ours”, Keller writes (30). The Bible tells us that Jesus came to rescue us from our sins and to show us the unconditional, immense love of God and eternal life with Him. “He had to pay for our sins so that someday he can end evil and suffering without ending us,” says Keller.

Though that puts our pain and suffering into perspective, it doesn’t answer our questions (or, at least, the ones I have). What it does provide us is a promise of His love in how He took on our pain and suffering so that we wouldn’t need to. Sure, we still experience pain and suffering in our lives, but we can do so knowing that God loves us, knowing that we are not suffering alone, knowing that we can rest in our hope, faith, and love for God.

People are losing homes, family members, and lives. We cannot afford to - nor will we - lose God in this. He is with us. If this is the end of California, then we can hope in eternal life with Christ in Heaven. If this is not the end, then we can be faithful in His promise to bring good in time.

Thoughts: Coffee, Jesus, Plans, Silence

These four random things (but are they really random, Haley?… no) are on my mind these days - not enough of each to elaborate into single blog posts, but definitely enough to share here because, remember, it’s more than food. Hope you enjoy my thoughts!

1. COFFEE

   I want this cozy drink more than ever these days, but at the same time, I also shouldn’t be drinking the amount I have been. And I shouldn’t be “should”-ing when it comes to food… and now I’m just “should”-ing all over the place, aren’t I? I’ll stop. Anyway, caffeine HITS me, guys. I can feel it within seconds the first sip hits my system, which is half the point of coffee, if you ask me. The other half is why I actually crave it - coziness, flavor, warmth, comfort. I’m a snuggler and I think, right now, coffee is my snuggle-buddy. I’m not mad about it. BUT. There’s always a “but”. I’m sensitive to caffeine, so any cup after 12 PM and any small drop after 4 PM means much less sleep than needed for Haley, and with a job that wakes me up at 4 AM most days… yeah, you do the math. The night before last, I lay in bed and could feel the caffeine in me. I didn’t drink an excessive amount that day, but, for whatever reason, I physiologically noticed the amount more than usual. Tossing. Turning. Thinking. Frustration building as I looked at the clock that said “1:15 AM”, “2:30 AM”, “3 AM”. UGH.
   I woke up feeling like road-kill, and that only intensified as the day went on. I blame coffee and I am not sorry. So, all that to say - I’m sticking with my regular cup of joe in the morning, and then any desired coffee after that will be in decaf form. Done. No questions asked. Sleep must be had.

2. JESUS

   As if I could sum up Jesus in a paragraph here. HA. That is most certainly not my point. I just want to make sure to brighten your day by reminding how you awesome it is that we are called into relationship with him and with others who help us focus on him. Each week, I attend church on Sunday and small group on Tuesday, and I leave those just incredibly thankful for faith and community and joyful in how God has worked and is continuing to do so, in ways I might not even know of yet.

3. PLANS

   This is something I recently (recently as in… like, two days ago) came face-to-face with. I don’t think I’m supposed to stay here in SLO after I graduate. To plant myself here, working, cookbook-ing/blogging, and enjoying the Central Coast has been my plan for the past two years, but things are changing. My heart wants to be with family. My brain doesn’t want to worry about fires (it’s a significant fear, guys). Both just want change, which I never really thought I would hear myself say.
   Unexpected change hit me rather quickly a couple months ago and that forced me to think about my future in a new light. It also led me back to God, so as unexpected as it may have been, it was also much-needed. A reality-check. A wake-up call. A blessing, really.
   My tentative plans are to graduate in March (which is not tentative - that is HAPPENING, PEOPLE.), stay in SLO until my lease ends in July, and then get my booty on the road to Minnesota. I hope to travel through Europe in October, spend the holidays with family, and then recuperate adult life come the new year of 2020. Crazy. Exciting. I’m so ready.

4. SILENCE

   Boy, oh boy, do I need more of this. Am I the only person who finds herself feeling some sort of strange need to always have either music, a podcast, a Bon Appetit YouTube video, or latest Hulu/Netflix show playing in the background of daily activities? I sure hope I’m not. Every so often, I catch myself reaching for a noise-creating device and stop myself as I think: how nice might it be right now to just… be? It is really nice. Silence is absolutely wonderful. If our own worlds were constantly buzzing with sounds, how would we hear our own voices, thoughts, opinions, desires? We wouldn’t. We would lose touch with our individual selves, and that is just a terrible feeling, guys. Believe me. I’ve been there.

   So, my focus is now on noticing the time I mindlessly reach for my noise-creating device and asking myself if I really need it or want it. Am I looking for noise to shut out some other thought or feeling? Or am I actually just wanting to listen to something, like a favorite song or one I haven’t heard in a while?

   Don’t be afraid of silence. Let it be uncomfortable at first. Sit with your thoughts and feelings. Dissect them. Love them. You are full of endless and beautiful discoveries!

Thanks for reading! Keep coming back for more posts like this - just some random blurbs of life. I enjoy writing them and I hope you enjoy reading them! Tell me something exciting about YOUR life down below!

Thoughts: YOU.

"Okay, Haley. It's you-time." Those were the first words in my journal this morning, as I curled up on the couch and let my soft blanket and warm cup of coffee be my comforting wake-up hug. 

This thing life threw at me a couple months ago is now forcing me to take actions that feel selfish and confusingly terrifying. No one around me can fully grasp all of it because no one around me has been here before. They can all listen with patient, open ears and offer with honest, loving words and both of those forms of care mean so much to me. But, still, this is something only I know because it's happening to me and only I can make the next move based on what feels "right". A move. Some kind of move. Right? Wrong? I don't know what is what and I might not know for whoknowshowlong and IhatethatIhatethatIhatethat, but I can't keep thinking about that, so... moving on. 

My mind likes to think. A LOT. It plans and considers and studies and analyzes and imagines and, after a while, all of that feels selfish. By the time I get to where I am now, when I'm ready to make some kind of move, selfish doesn't feel justifiable. Choosing the option that puts me first - whatever that may be in a given situation - feels like taking more cookies than what I'm offered. It can also feel like jumping blindfolded off a cliff because how in the world do I know what the right move is or where any step I take will lead me.  What if it really is off a cliff and there's no rope to climb back up (best case scenario)? 

I've learned that I can't stop the thinking and planning and considering and studying and analyzing and imagining. I can't shut myself up, but I can change my opinion of and response to my thoughts. I am not selfish for caring for myself. I am not selfish for choosing the option least likely to hurt. I am not selfish for reminiscing on pictures of me smiling and wanting so badly to create those bright smiles on my own ("on demand" if you will). 

I AM capable beyond what I ever imagined possible to love someone. 

I AM driven towards my own definition of success. 

I AM passionate about food and nutrition and mental and physical health, and about traveling and people and relationships and creativity and words. 

I AM funny... or nerdy, which just ends up being funny, I guess. It still counts. 

I AM beautiful beyond the mirror's definition.

I AM intelligent. I AM strong. I AM powerful. 

I know me. I know what hurts, what triggers. I know what heals, what helps. 

I have a purpose - many, actually - and I am ready to pursue those and show them off. 

I have a massive capacity to love and be loved, and that is rare and beautiful and so am I. 

Repeat those phrases to yourself, making changes to fit whatever "thing" you're handling. Remind yourself that it's you-time, that you have a a brain that wants to learn + a soul that wants to smile + a heart that wants to love. 

Choosing me isn't always selfish. Choosing me means taking care of myself and taking actions to alleviate pain. Choosing me means finding joy in right now, rather than trying to plan it for the future. Choosing me means loving Haley first.

As challenging as the last month-ish (I should find a new word to use for an estimate rather than "ish") has been, it's taught me:

1. Not all of our wants can be satisfied and a big part of taking care of ourselves is recognizing which can and which can't, being grateful for the ones that can and releasing the ones that can't.  

2. You are the most important in your life. You have control over you. You can take care of you. You can say "yes" and you can say "no". You are the most important in your life. 

I'm often stuck somewhere between the tippy-toe of now and the very thought of what-could-be at any given time in the future. I'm contemplating productivity and living, laughing, letting go of cares and to-do lists and bedtimes. I'm considering how these actions affect tomorrow's outcomes, the next year's and the next five year's. I'm thinking about what I hope for, what might happen and what might not, and either anticipating or fearing those potentials. I'm thinking about what I need and what I want, and sometimes those don't line up. I'm thinking about loved ones - deeply loved ones - and how much I care for them and want the very best for them. How exhausting does that sound? Constantly looking ahead and reaching out for others leaves little time and energy in the 24 hours each day gives us to be right here, right now and to reach in for ourselves.  

Its you-time. Whatever that means for you. It's time to give yourself a break in school and take three classes instead of four because four was just one too many. It's time to jump off that diet-train because all it does it tell you that you that you can't have this and you aren't that and the only way to be maybe someday become "that" for half a second is to restrict everything. It's time to give less time to commitments that aren't serving you like they should. It's time to be honest with yourself and prioritize your own happiness. 

I won't tell you that you it's time to "grow up" and "put your big-girl pants on" because I haven't and I don't even think I own a pair of those pants. I want you to just... I don't know how to say it,

To seek you. To choose you. To be you. To love you. 

Thoughts: Workouts, Friends and Food, Morning Reading, Blogging

1. My brain is anything and everything but organized right now. Study for midterms! Prepare for finals (because here at Cal Poly, we like to continue taking midterms the week before final exams :) )! Keep your room clean! Go grocery shopping! Brainstorm some recipes and blog posts! Respond to emails! Don't forget to study! Call this or that person to catch up! Apply for summer jobs! Oh, and make sure you're spending quality time with friends because this is your last month living with your best friends ever! Ahhhh. That's why I've had such trouble coming up with a blog post - when I finally do think of an interesting topic, if I don't throw out all my thoughts onto paper immediately, it'll escape me within minutes. It's not a case of short-term memory loss, just a case of an overwhelmed Haley :) that is all. Moving on. 

2. A day without moving my body is not one I enjoy. I'm a person who feels tired by 10 AM if I haven't gotten up off the couch for at least 10 or 15 minutes to get my heart rate up - be it a workout at the gym, a bike ride to the beach, or just a light walk through some cute neighborhoods. Feeling tired could be telling me I need more sleep (which I do), but I also think that's just how my body works. I like to move it, move it! I'm so funny.

Trusting myself with movement that doesn't push my body beyond its limits has been quite the process. I've found that the workouts I prefer aren't longer than 45-60 minutes, elevate my heart rate and keep it there for the majority of the workout, and engage various muscle groups at the same time. Yoga? Not my thing. Running? I kind of still wish I could, but at the same time, I kind of think letting it go (even though that involved some gnarly knee pain) was a blessing in disguise. Barre? Sometimes. Most of the time, I spend my mornings in the gym doing HIIT, light weight-training, or a spin class. The other days, I get outside to go for a walk or a bike ride. That, my friends, is the routine that's working for me and I love it. 

3. Most of my weekends consist of some studying - thank goodness I don't need to spend Friday, Saturday, and Sunday buried in textbooks like I did last quarter - and lots of time with friends. The majority of my closest friends are graduating and going back home in the next couple of months, so I'm trying my hardest to soak up moments with them because I know life here will never be the way it is now. Okay, stop - I'm getting emotional. Anyway, we love food and we have so much fun trying new things together, whether cooking at home or going out to eat. I can vividly remember a time when choosing restaurants centered around making sure "healthy" vegan options were available. It's okay to be vegan and it's okay to look for nutritious items on the menu, but (in my opinion) those shouldn't take priority over enjoying time with loved ones. Sometimes, we get burgers and zucchini fries from our favorite little shack and we can't shut up about how good they are and yes, sometimes my stomach ends up a little funky later. Sometimes, we order nachos and the plate is huge and yes, it's tortilla chips + cheese + pork and I don't know anyone who says those foods make them feel their best. BUT my heart is full and I'm smiling because the burger or nachos or whatever it may be tasted good in the moment and I enjoyed that alongside my best friends. The friends are more important than the food. Some of our most cherished memories together are at a table with delicious food (and maybe a glass of wine, if we feel like being fancy) and I wouldn't trade those for anything in the world. 

4. I don't journal regularly or meditate or practice yoga or go for a peaceful walk around the neighborhood each morning. If I could make the time required of those, I would pick journaling and walking, but even that's pushing it. I do love early mornings - my alarm wakes me up sometime around 5 AM roughly six out of seven days a week. Get up out of bed, pee, fumble around in the dark for my journal and/or any books I want to read, and walk quietly downstairs to make some coffee. Make said coffee, curl up on the couch with a blanket, and either a) write some intentions for the day or b) just write to sort through my thoughts. If I don't feel like journaling and have the time to read a non-school-related book, you bet I will for as long as I can (currently halfway through Intuitive Eating). If I absolutely must, I'll open a textbook for school and review for 20-30 minutes before I get ready for the gym. I used to hate the idea of beginning my day reading for school, but I've come to find that just 20-30 minutes in the morning (like I said, if those are absolutely necessary or if I have a test/quiz that day or something) eases a lot of potential stress that could otherwise hit me later on in the day. So, no, I don't want to begin my day reading about the anatomy of the lungs (or of the male reproductive system, which has been the topic lately) and partial pressure of oxygen, but I do want to strive for good grades and low stress levels and sometimes, you gotta' do what you gotta' do. 

5. Desire to scroll through Instagram and motivation to create recipes is nowhere to be found right now. I don't know where they went, and I haven't really looked very hard to find them again. This is the most "go-with-the-flow" I think I've ever been and I really like this newfound side of me. I like sharing more about my life here. I like - no, LOVE - writing about whatever comes to mind as well as topics that seem most relevant and interesting right now in this realm of nutrition and food and wellness. What my plans are now, I cannot tell ya'. Three months ago, I saw myself blogging at double-time this quarter since my class-load is much lighter than it was before. I saw myself posting something on Instagram daily and on the blog at least bi-weekly. But, here I am, posting whatever whenever I feel like it, looking for summer jobs, spending time that I could use to plan and develop recipes and email back and forth with companies with friends or just with myself instead. This shift makes me a liiiiiittle bit nervous because I kind of feel like someone pulled the rug out from under me - only in the best possible way because I've definitely landed on something, I just don't know what it is or where it's going... yet. :) 

Choose Your Words...

Walking around campus, to and from classes. Standing in the bars downtown. Looking in the mirror getting dressed each morning with my roommates. Sitting in my nutrition classes. Riding the bike/working out in the gym. And hidden (or not so) almost everywhere in marketing and advertisements. I hear words everywhere, and these locations in particular sometimes feel clouded with the exact language I hope to highlight here and squash. 

"Why do you make me do such bad things? I never eat pizza!" she whined to her friend (the one encouraging the pizza slice), in a tone that boasted her idea of health and her discipline when it comes to eating habits. 

"I was so good this weekend - I didn't eat a single piece of candy," - she proclaimed, as if her rigid self-control during the Halloween holiday was something to brag about. I'll take her leftover Kit Kats and Reese' Cups!

"You are only as a good as your last meal," a quote written on the whiteboard outside the kitchen in a local hospital. And my heart plunged into my stomach and my brain wires practically exploded in confusion at how a health facility (both mental and physical) could possibly focus on such a potentially demeaning statement. 

"Clean-eating", "guilt-free", "sinful", "junk". 

big ol' lunch spread from The Avocado House in Chino Hills.

Those are only a few of the phrases I've overheard in the past few months that haven't left my mind and seem to echo when they enter. I can distinctly remember these types of thoughts controlling my mind, though I didn't always vocalize them (because I wanted to cover up a serious issue), and their re-entrance into my life via my surrounding peers inspired me to write this because 1) my last wish is for anyone to feel controlled by such thoughts and 2) awareness of this topic is much-needed, especially around the holidays. 

WHY THESE ARE HARMFUL

Gandhi said it best, I think. 

“Your beliefs become your thoughts, 
Your thoughts become your words, 
Your words become your actions, 
Your actions become your habits, 
Your habits become your values, 
Your values become your destiny.”

Whether or not you believe in this diet chatter surrounding you, its likely to still affect you. There certainly are days when not only do I believe in it, but I fall prey to participating in it, as well. We aren't protected by rock-solid walls to prevent negativity from invading our minds throughout the day. Diet chatter is just on example - think of all the ads we see, all the conversations we overhear, all the words that stare back at us from books, news articles, magazines, etc. More or less, this invasion is like osmosis in our brains. Keeping negativity out requires conscious effort. 

cream puff donut from SLO Do Co.

Gandhi warns us of the danger of all this diet chatter, if we aren't careful to set up protective boundaries and response mechanisms when we encounter it - thoughts, in essence, become our values and our future, as individuals and as a society. Words that demonize a food itself or oneself or another person for eating said food create a negative image for that food or feeling for that person, which in turn can become a permanent association or a recurring thought cycle in one's mind.

And not many negative images of specific foods or recurring thought cycles are required to spark restriction of specific foods and, in turn, eating disorders and simply poor self-esteem/body-image. With the prevalence of diet chatter today (seriously, just listen closely and pay attention to conversations, advertisements, magazine articles, and food labels), resulting eating disorders and poor self-esteem/body-image are more common than we may think. 

Sociologist Dina Rose, PhD, shared in a blog post about one of the first times her daughter used the word "fat" in a sentence. And keep in mind - her daughter was three years old. Examining her belly, Rose's daughter told her mom she knew she'd be fat when she grew up because of that belly. Rose later learns that her daughter also thought her mom had a negative body image of herself, as she never liked the way clothes looked on her and must not have hidden her self-criticism from her daughter as well as she'd hoped.

almond milk latte from Kraken Coffee Co. in Avila Beach.

Rose also shares quotes and studies conducted by other psychologists that show "fat bias" (also known as fat shaming, fear of fat) can begin as early as age three. If children can recognize poor self-esteem/body-image and, as a result, potentially experience their own self-esteem issues later on in life, how well do you think teens and young adults can? Answer: quite well. 

Am I making sense? Diet chatter, fat shaming, and overall negative phrases regarding food and one's or another's own body can become our own individual thoughts, words, actions, values and future, if not kicked in the butt before they establish themselves in our minds. Look back up at the phrases and words at the beginning of this post. How can those potentially cause harm? 

WHAT WE CAN DO

Hippeas!

1) Most solutions to problems start by practicing mindfulness, which encompasses recognizing the potentially harmful phrases and words when you hear them. Again, open up your ears and your eyes when you're in public (common places: gyms, work environments, grocery stores, clothing stores, etc.) - you will most likely hear or read at least one piece of diet chatter a day. Carefully take that in, but don't absorb it. Roll it around in your brain and evaluate its possible meaning and effect. If someone says it to you, hoping for a response, be extra mindful. If you have to, don't verbally respond. I can't tell you how many awkward laughs and nods I've given in times like this because I don't want to mindlessly agree with this potentially harmful statement. Is temporary awkwardness not safer than perpetuation of negativity? 

2) Once you're able to recognize this chatter, set up positive affirmations as a defense mechanism. Remind yourself of who you are - your passions, your values, your unique characteristics that shape you - so that the invading chatter doesn't try to tell you what you are - your jean size, your workout schedule, your eating habits. I like to tell myself exactly that - that the time I spent at the gym (or lack thereof), the number on my clothing tags, and what I did or didn't eat in a day has nothing to do with my value as a person. Those are superficial matters, and my intelligence, my desires, my passions go way deeper. 

Another quote that stuck with me the minute I heard it is from Kylie Mitchell's interview on the Food Psych podcast (not verbatim, but pretty close): if being thin is the most interesting thing about me, then something needs to change. 

3) Implement change. Be the first wave of positive encouragement for those around you by respectfully and thoughtfully responding to diet chatter, and by initiating uplifting phrases. Some examples of how I've done this: 

• when someone deems a food "junk"/"bad"/"unhealthy", I try to remind he/she that in small amounts it won't do much harm (if any at all) to the body and can actually be worthy of enjoyment. everything in moderation!

• when someone says he/she neeeeeeds to go to the gym after a meal or certain amount of time off, I try to remind that person that days off are crucial, too, for muscle to rebuild itself. rest is key!

• when I see a quote in a well-known hospital that tells patients they are only worth their last meal... well, I'm still figuring how to respond to that. ideas are welcome! :)

breakfast bowl from Honey Hi in LA.

Also, I recommend taking a second to read this post from Robyn, The Real Life RD, about dealing with "diet talk". 

As I always say, I'm no Registered Dietitian or other trained professional - just a girl who's "been there", so I'm offering up my experience and tips I've formulated based off of that and what I've heard/observed from others. I hope this has created awareness if it wasn't there before, and encouraged action if you haven't yet taken any, but find opportunities to do so! 

Cleaning Things Up

Just kidding - that's not even possible. I just couldn't quite think of a better title. So, I'm glad you're reading this (and I hope you continue) because I can then explain more of what I mean. 

If you've known me for a while, you know my past. You know my previous struggles from years ago, you know my recent struggles within the past month, and you probably know what I ate for breakfast this morning. If you're new to me, hello! Thank you for stopping by. A short synopsis of my story - I struggled through an eating disorder that lasted from my junior year of high school through my sophomore year of college. Finally, I'm recovered. *deep, deep breath* WOW that feels so good to proclaim with all the confidence in the world. Where am I now? I'm following step by step behind God, as He leads me along His plan for my life. As we walk together, I'm sweeping up the remains of my past - and by that I mean the results of my eating disorder. Just because I've recovered doesn't mean I don't deal with those negative thoughts at all. I still compare myself, question calories, and (I hate to say it) idolize food and my figure over more important, demanding things like school, relationships, etc. However, the majority of the time, I'm good. 

Recently, I've been reflecting on each "stage" of my journey, if you will. From the highly restrictive initial stage, into the discovery of vegetarianism and little peaks on which I found true balance, through the extremely high-carb/low-fat vegan part and lowest weight of all time, and, finally, recovery. Here. Maybe this sounds silly, but I see all of that portrayed through my blog (recipes, nutrition tips, life posts, and even Instagram). Duh - this website began in order for me to share my story and I want to keep it true to ME, wherever I am in life. Buuuuut, my past has been weighing on me lately. While I'm not ashamed of it in any way (I'm actually really thankful for it), I can't ever - EVER - recommend any of "diets" or "health tips" I offered throughout those times to anyone. They were fueled by an eating disorder that desired nothing more than to burn fat and eat as strictly healthy as possible.

That's just not who I am anymore. I don't follow a HCLF vegan diet. I don't eat just salad with steamed veggies and chicken for dinner. I don't workout every single day. 

I also don't - 98% of the time - struggle with an eating disorder. 

Now here's where things might sound weird. Instagram is most likely the first thing people see when they find HungryHaley. Via Instagram (the link in my bio), they'll find this blog, should they choose to continue exploring. I've dealt with my fair share of body image/outward appearance issues, and this, at first, seemed like just another one of those. So, I tried to brush it off my shoulder, but I think God's been laying it so heavily on my heart to tell me that this is o k a y. This is MY blog, after all, right? 

What you may or may not know is that, two and a half years ago, when I began this blog, I was still within the tight grip of my eating disorder. Squeezing myself out (or attempting to do so without the help of my all-powerful God) took years, and that's why I say that my posts during that time are skewed, inaccurate, and untrue to me. 

Maybe I'm just making too big of a deal, but I've already written quite a bit and it's dead week and I should be studying but I've invested myself into this post so I'm going for it. 

I've decided to delete most of my previous Instagram pictures because, as I said before, I just can't let my readers (old and familiar, or new and oh-so-welcomed) see those and possibly think of them as "healthy". Truth is - they are not. They are restrictive, minimal, and unbalanced. If someone truly wants to know my past, it's all here. But, as far as my "image" (or whatever you want to call it) goes, I'm cleaning things up. The more time I spent reflecting, the more I compared where I am now to where I was then, and this is mostly on a superficial, body-image scale (and accounts for that 2% of non-recovered mindset I mentioned earlier).

so. un. healthy. I am where I am now by the grace of God and I am SO grateful. From then to now represents my salvation. Then = imbalance, idolization, obsession, self-comparison, etc. Now = balance, faith, freedom, gratitude, happiness, true health. No need to look back and compare. 

This is for me. But this is also - kinda/sorta - for you, my beloved readers. This blog is absolutely precious to me, and I will not let it represent anything that isn't true to who I am and what I believe. These pictures evoke negative thoughts and memories that pull me back into my struggles and, I'll say it one more time, I'm cleaning things up. 

None of this - the pictures, the posts, the eating disorder, the whatever - defines me. Yet, I want to represent me. I want to represent a positive example of healthy, balanced living. 

The more I write, the more I wonder, "Will anyone even care/notice that I've 'cleaned things up'?" Probably not, but writing and lifting it off my chest is just this thing I have that makes me feel better. Hence, this blog. I tend to write and think and write those thoughts (oh, and eat). 

Anyway, I need to get back to studying. If you've made it this far, thaaaaaaaanks :) Seriously, your support means mui mucho (Spanish skill level = -3) to me. 

Thoughts: (eating) Disordered Holidays

This is the first Thanksgiving in four years I'm celebrating without an eating disorder. Since my junior year of high school, each year around this time brought me such stress and anxiety. My two favorite holidays - Thanksgiving and Christmas - fell prey to the hands of my ED and soon became my two least favorite days of the entire year. How in the world can that happen? If you've ever gone through an ED, you know how. 

I'm writing this for readers who stand in both positions - the loving family member/friend, and the struggling person him/herself. I don't have all the answers to eliminate the ED today or tomorrow or even by Christmas, though I wish I did. I do, however, know the everyday challenges from the perspective of one who's suffered from an ED, and I've witnessed others going through one. In other words, I've stood in both positions, and I'm here to offer advice to both parties to help ease the stress and difficulties this disorder brings during the holiday season. 

AN ED: WHAT'S IT LIKE?

Well, it's like you're under the control of something you can't identify or see. You can hear it, though, and all it does is tell you that you're not good enough, that you're overweight, that you're ugly, and that you absolutely need to change (emphasis on YOU). An ED whispers those thoughts in your ear every single day - when you see yourself in the mirror first thing in the morning, when you sit down for breakfast (if you even have the appetite), when you zip up your once favorite pair of jeans, all the way until you're crawling back into bed at night. It holds a microphone - no, a megaphone - and gives not a care as to how loud its shouting these destructive insults and demands. 

I guess there's one tiny benefit - it does some math for you! But, of course, it uses that skill against you by constantly counting your calories and displaying that number on a huge illuminated billboard (whose lights never burn out)  in the back of your mind. Nevermind - it's no benefit at all. 

It's sad. It's scary. It's painful. It's confusing and unknown. It's fueled by self-hate and comparison. It's void of love, freedom, joy, and peace. It blames YOU and tells you that YOU caused all of this because, at some point in your life, you ate too much and didn't workout enough. 

We've never hosted Thanksgiving at our house, but our family friend invited us over every year for the feast, dessert, and good company. Nerves churned my stomach in the morning, as I spent an hour or two in the gym, trying to burn as many calories as I could even though I know I wouldn't be eating anything worthy of such exercise (i.e. pie, stuffing, casserole, etc.), and then paralyzed me later in the day as I walked into the kitchen of the hostess's house. I swallowed the lump in my throat as best I could, despite the discomfort, and pretended this monster inside me didn't exist. I helped prep dishes, set the table, and made conversation with other guests as an attempt to pull myself as far from the table as possible. If I could've skipped the entire meal, I probably would have. 

Did you hear that? Skipped. Thanksgiving. No one makes that choice to allow this monster such control. I still don't know how it finds its way in, but it does and, for lack of better words, it. sucks. 

An array of fine cheeses, meats, pickled veggies, bread and other appetizers left no room on the table for anything I'd even consider touching. My dinner plate held nothing but a few sweet potatoes (mashed with butter was the only option), lean turkey breast, and greens (I cringed at the sight of dressing). Pie or any other dessert? Ha. Funny. 

Swallowing the lump in my throat meant also trying to convince myself that no one knew, that no one suspected anything or worried at all, but I'm blessed with way too many loved ones for that ever to be true. I couldn't ignore my parent's tired, emotionless eyes as they glanced at my plate. I couldn't drown out their questions as to why I skipped dessert. And worst of all, I couldn't blame them because I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't rip my body open and yank out the monster, no matter how badly I wished I could. 

HERE'S THE THING PEOPLE MIGHT NOT REALIZE: 

You look at me, several sizes smaller than I once was, probably looking worn out, a tad stressed, and all the while pretending none of this is happening. You see that something is wrong. You don't see ME - the Haley you've known for however many years - and you're concerned. I know, and I understand. What you and many others might not understand is that I don't see myself either. I look different to you, and I look, sound, think, act, and feel like a stranger to myself.

I don't even know who I am. I don't know what monster has crept inside me and woven itself into my every thought. I don't feel like me, I don't look like me, and I h a t e it. 

On the worst of days - yes, the holidays were some of them - when the ED created a record-breaking number of destructive thoughts and performed stage-worthy acts of family tension, stress, and arguments, I felt like I had to crawl into bed with it. Imagine battling your most hated enemy all day. My ED's favorite weapons severed ties between my parents and me, lied to those I hold close to my heart, and - for a short time - went so far as to convince me that everything I believed about the love of the Lord was false. 

He isolated me so that the only thing I could see, hear, feel, trust was him inside my head. He couldn't have cared less about backing away for the holidays to allow me time with my family. No, that could lead to healing, and he just wouldn't have that. 

YOU'RE IN ONE OF TWO POSITIONS if you're reading this: 1) you know these experiences and you deal with these feelings yourself, or 2) you recognize these characteristics when you see someone you know/love. Here's what you can do, whether you fit with the first or the second. 

1) First, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I wish I had a snap-your-fingers-and-poof-its-gone answer, but I don't. I do, however, know the solution - yes, there IS a solution :) there is peace, there is self-love and forgiveness, there is restored relationships with food. There is a Man who sees you as the most beautiful, majestic, perfect, worthy YOU that you could ever imagine. He is your Father, and He loves you beyond belief. He's created you and a prosperous plan for your life. He hates the monster and will rip him out, should you surrender to Him. I surrendered when I finally understood that no one and nothing else could ever truly heal or satisfy me. One of the characteristics of an ED - one that's felt more than seen, I think - is this longing for something. For me, I longed for control and for this certain perfection, though if you asked me to draw a picture of what it looked like, I wouldn't have been able to. God holds no picture of perfection we must achieve in order to receive His love. Rather, He holds a picture of perfection that He graciously changes us into when we receive, accept, embrace His love. He doesn't have standards. He has peace. He doesn't have size charts. He has forgiveness. 

2) Most important, know that this person is not making a conscious decision to allow this monstrous ED such a prominent place in his/her life. Know that this person is not striving for attention or pity, but rather for some sense of control (in the moment) and confidence (in the long run). Know that the environment around which food is served, holidays especially, will change. ED's transform beloved, savored, cherished food into an enemy feared, despised, and avoided at all costs. Know that it's not only this environment around the holiday table - it's everywhere. An ED creeps into family relationships, friendships, sports, academics, and everywhere between and beyond. To state it rather simply, this person is suffering. This person is drowning, pulled beneath the crashing waves by a monster who sees such destruction as success. Know that most smiles you see on this person, when in a food-centered environment - might not be real. If they are, however, you've clicked. You've achieved something extremely special and worthy of a mental photograph. This person's heart is smiling, shining bright for once :) because of you. 

YOUR QUESTIONS, ANSWERED

"Will I ever recover?" - a question I've dealt with for the past several months. I've answered both "no" and "yes", and I guess, now I think it depends on your definition of "recovery". I believe I am recovered, as of May 22, 2016 - the day I whole-heartedly dedicated my life to the Lord. It was my admission of my weakness. It was my official surrender. It was God's acceptance and embrace. Since then, I've had a few struggles with food, and during those I've wondered if I had truly recovered. The Lord comforted me in reminding me that recovery does not mean perfection. Recovery means I no longer rely on food for satisfaction beyond my stomach's satiation. I might still eat a bit too much here and there. That's okay. I probably will - no, I definitely will - still focus as much as possible on healthy, whole, plant-based foods. That's also okay. I will NOT, however, allow fear of foods outside those categories to bring me to a state of nervous paralysis, or worse, starvation. 

"How can I stay balanced without obsessing?" Remember where your purpose is. My purpose is in God. My beauty is in the fact that I am His daughter, that He's seen me worthy enough of saving. My heart, my passion, my life is dedicated to sharing that story. Okay, less serious ones? Well, I remind myself that this moment - right here, wherever you are - is temporary. That donut, that cheese quesadilla, that piece of bread will not last forever. And you can view that two ways: 1) go ahead! eat it. you stick to your routine 95% of the time, you don't keep a bag of them in your pantry, and this moment out with friends or family or whoever might not be here tomorrow or next week. taste the treat :) OR 2) it's not life or death if you do or don't eat it. if you truly don't want it - if you're full, if you're tired, if you're thirsty, etc. - no one is forcing it down your throat. your loved ones will still love you. your friends (your TRUE friends) will still laugh with you and include you. This one treat will not up your jean size, or cancel out those squats, or totally demolish your routine. It's. One. Treat. Eat it if you want, or be confident in your choice not to. 

"Why am I not reaching my fitness goals? How can I reach my fitness goals while still eating enough/healthy/vegan/etc.?" I planned out a certain fitness goal a few years ago (I was a bit overweight at that time, so it was okay), but I chased after it - no, sprinted without any breaks - and I eventually did reach it. For two years, I kept myself at that size, but it was hard work. I rarely ever went out with friends, I stuck to my strict workout schedule, I NEVER ate anything outside my comfort zone (my first donut felt like the biggest decision in years), and I didn't listen to my body. When I fell in love with veganism, God showed me just how much I'd been depriving my body. My ED did everything in its power to prevent me from gaining weight, from "loosening up", and from trying anything different (workouts or food or lifestyle/routine). But after that night I surrendered everything up to God, I apologized to my body over and over and over. I hugged myself, I rubbed my legs, I relaxed my stomach, I stilled my arms. I finally loved myself because I knew I was fully, completely made whole in my Father who couldn't see me as more perfect than I already am. My weight went up, and I struggled to swallow that, but I concluded that my fitness goal wasn't what God had planned for me. I spent years fighting my body - fighting God - and I lost. I lay on the battleground tired, hungry, nutrient-deficient, no longer able to run, broken-hearted. But God was never my opponent. After all, what kind of opponent would pick me up off the ground in such a state, cradle me in His arms, heal my wounds, feed me, men my broken heart and promise to STILL. LOVE. ME. 

My fitness goals were a size 2, a 6-pack set of abs, and a few marathons down the road, among others. I'm not sure exactly what God's plans are, but I know they've thus far involved achievement of a healthy weight, increased muscle mass, elimination of exercise addiction, with more to come. Ask God to reveal His plans to you. 

"How do I not eat too much, but not too little?" Okay, anyone else have this answer? *crickets*. Yeah, nobody knows guys! I still struggle with this. Sometimes I lie in bed at 10:30 PM, feel a little growl in my tummy, and have to remind myself that I won't gain five pounds if I eat a piece of whole-grain toast right now to satisfy this hunger. Other times, I walk (or waddle) away from the table absolutely stuffed! I have to remind myself here that I still won't gain that five pounds because I never stuff myself like this. Thanksgiving just passed (and hopefully fear of the holiday along with it) and I couldn't have eaten one more bite. We cleaned our dinner plates and, an hour later, pulled out dessert. Did I have a scoop (or two or three) of that vegan gelato? You better believe I did! I allowed myself to indulge, to pull out the stretchy pants, to overeat. It's a holiday! I didn't do it because everyone else did, but rather because I truly wanted some of each dish/dessert. Holidays aside, I sometimes still accidentally overeat, but I look at it as a learning experience. I know that amount was too much for me, so next time I'll eat less. Beating myself up will only make me feel worse, and starving myself the next day will trash my metabolism. Just remember - tomorrow is a brand new start. 

"Is it okay to workout everyday?" Depends on your definition of "workout". I'm typically in the gym 5/7 days a week. Now, my definition of "workout" changes day to day. Those five days vary - HIIT (high-intensity interval training), weight training, LISS (low-intensity, stead-state cardio), swimming, and yoga. Those remaining two days usually consist of long, exhausting shifts at work (at a donut shop? oh yeah.) or, if God's feeling extra miraculous, a relaxing walk or bike ride. I've been working out long enough to discover my limits, and I do NOT push myself past those. I do NOT sign up for a HIIT or spin class if my knees ache or if my hamstrings are feeling too tight, etc. Exercise is one of my absolute favorite things to do, but I've struggled with addiction, as I know many of you have/do. That's why God took running away, and replaced it with more dependence on HIM for my fulfillment. A few years ago, I feared skipping a workout on any day, but I've learned that skipping one (sometimes two or three) is what my body needs! Our bodies crave rest, which is actually when muscle-building happens, but that's a topic for another time. It is okay to workout everyday, if your body feels truly energized and like it wants to do so. Don't force anything. 

I'll finish the post off here, though I could go on for days. If you still have unanswered questions, please do not hesitate to leave them in a comment below or send them over in an email. 

My prayer for this post is that God's light shines brightest. While ED's are evil, destructive, unfortunately possibly fatal, recovery IS attainable. Someone asked me, "Are you fully recovered?" I wanted to respond with a confident "yes", but I had to stop and think...

"I've restored my relationship with food," I eventually concluded. Full recovery just doesn't sound realistic, but rather one of those terms for which one solid definition does not exist. And even if it is/does, I don't know if I want to reach that state. I fear I'd be too confident in such an achievement and step out onto a lily pad, relying less on God for strength, direction, peace, hope, etc. I've restored my relationship with food, but I still face struggles, and those I lay at God's feet, promising to love myself and Him as much as I can. 

Don't let that freak you out - I'm happier now in my life than I ever have been. Just because I don't say "I'm fully recovered" by no means implies that I wrestle with that ED monster like I used to. God so faithfully crushed that demon for me :)